Sabotage

I'm going to come clean about how and why I sabotaged my efforts at getting down to a healthier % of body fat and why I reverted back to the eating and (lack of) exercise habits that were so clearly not working for me pre-September 2004.

I give you: The Anatomy of a Meltdown-

I made a private goal, way back that the beginning of this endeavor, that once I lost 50lbs I would join [big on-line dating service], put up a profile, and start dating again. (Let's ignore, for the moment, the obvious question of why I felt that I had to lose 50lbs before I could let myself start dating, okay? Thank you*.) I reached that weight goal back in September and for about a month I ignored the dating goal. When it became obvious to me that I was failing to follow through on this important goal, I gave myself a push and in early November I slowly began the process of logging onto the site, reading profiles, letting myself get interested in some of the guys that were out there and writing my own profile to post. I thought I was doing well.  I was acknowledging my fear and my many issues, I was giving myself lots of time and yet being firm with myself that this was worth doing.  But, all the while that I was going through this process, I was finding excuses not to exercise, my sugar cravings really began to ramp up and the unhealthy, overeating began. Clearly, I knew I was having trouble being On-Plan, but at the time, I didn't related the two things.

Just before Thanksgiving, I finished my profile and I posted it. Within 24 hours I had two e-mails and four "winks" from guys who wanted to get to know me. I should have been saying "Score!" but instead I immediately had a semi-panic attack and took my profile down. I was on the verge of setting myself up for my two greatest fears of all: Intimacy & Rejection and I could not deal with it. So all the while that I was attempting to talk myself through it, making sure to give myself plenty of time and easing up on the pressure to do The Very Scary Thing, behind the scenes my subconscious was "protecting me" by doing the one sure thing to make myself stop: Getting fat again*.

I was able to get out of the "dating stress" problem by telling myself that I didn't want to try and deal with all of the holiday stress (aka, my family) and socializing and try to work on developing new dating relationships at the same time.  I finally decided that I was going to table the dating idea until after the new year.

Woo.  That was a relief.  I had talked myself out of doing The Very Scary Thing, at least for a time.  So even though I wasn't conscious of the self sabotage I should have been able to get right back on track with eating right and getting exercise, right?  Well, by then, about 85% of the good habits I had developed over the previous year had reverted back to the bad habits I had developed over the previous forty or so years.  I was back to grazing on sugary food during the day, falling back on mini-binges anytime things got stressful, hitting the couch with a book or DVD as soon as I came in from work, and eating takeout at night and on the weekends.  I didn't have the A-ha! moment until last weekend when I went to log into [big on-line dating service] and thought, "OMG, I've gained weight.  I can't possibly start dating now!" And I felt so.very.relieved.  I went down stairs and proceeded to climb the walls for the next couple of hours while I tried to tune out Sugar-Addict Girl and her screams for something sweet.

Sometimes a slip is just a slip.  You get stuck in the moment and you make some sub-optimal choices.  Then you remind yourself of your priorities and you get back down to business.  Sometimes the slip is trying to tell you something.  For me, it's clear that I'm having a lot more trouble with the idea of doing The Very Scary Thing than I had anticipated.  Some different strategies for dealing with the fear are in order and I really need to do a better job of monitoring how my inner conflicts are manifesting themselves in my behavior and my decisions.  Either that, or it's back to the comfy chair for me...  My therapist and I crack each other up so, other than the fact that I'm back in fucking therapy, I'm sure she won't mind.

Yeah, so, big self-revelation post will close here.  I have an activity plan for the rest of the week and I'm going to work it. Nothing is worth going back to where I was.  If it means that I have to learn to face the very scary things of life without the "protection" of food and fat, then so be it.  Afterall, exercise reduces stress better than a big pile of fun-size Milky Ways.

*And you guys know, or maybe you're a new reader and don't know, that when I talk about "being too fat" I'm referring to how I feel about myself and not at what weight someone else is "fat".

Comments

[Heather]

Enlightening post. I'm sure it was hard to write. Thanks for sharing. We all self-sabotage -- and it's important to understand why.

[La]

Beth, are you my long-lost twin sister? I almost could have written that same post. Thank you for that. Your two biggest fears? Same here. Lemme know if you figure it out, OK?

[BethK]

It was hard, but it was also cathartic. I'm glad I wrote it and I'm glad that I put it out here. Sometimes your 'dirty secrets' lose their power when you out them.

Hey La! Sometimes I feel that way reading your entries too. If I ever figure it out, you'll be, like, the third person to know.

[Steph]

Great post. Very familiar territory for me as well.