Scale & Perspective

Still here

Still working on windows.  I finished up the last of the glazing last night.  I should have everthing painted and put back together by this weekend.  I feel good about the job I've done.  Now, when I walk up to my door, I see how good my windows look.  I no longer have to pretend I don't see the cracked and missing glazing and the really bad paint job.  I'm beginning to wonder how many more windows I can get done before it gets too cold not to have both sashes and storms in place.

So, definitely not slothy.  Last night I even had a pot of soup simmering away on the stove while I was working on the windows.  Go me!

Twelve days until surgery.  The Megace is beginning to lose it's effectiveness, which I was warned would probably happen.  I got my first real period since the beginning of July on Saturday.  It only lasted a couple of days, but OMG was I in pain.  Vic0din! Take me away....  That's the really scary part; I was at the max dosage, and I was still barely tolerating the pain.  If I needed a reminder of why I'm having this surgery, that did the trick.

Why, Look!

It's another post.

Things are busy these days at Chez BethK, which is good because the Sloth Monster has been running the show for way too long.

Winter is coming and if the fall is as relatively cool as the summer has been, I may not be able to hold off turning on the heat for very long.  Like many, many people in the Northeast, I heat with oil.  Heating oil is expected to be in the neighborhood of $5.00 a gallon.  So, the project of the moment is a serious assault on my very drafty living room windows.

Having an antique house with its original double-hung windows, with their original glass, makes this even more of a challenge.  Yes, there are modern, vinyl replacement windows that any number of contractors would be more than happy to install.  Sadly, the only replacement windows that wouldn't look glaringly wrong in my house cost a staggeringly large sum of money.  Much better to restore the original windows.

I brought in a specialist in antique window restoration and weatherization.  Okay, now, I know the windows are in bad shape so all of the things he pointed out that needed to be done, were not a surprise.  The windows needed to have the old paint stripped off, the missing glazing replaced, but most likely the windows would have to be completely re-glazed.  All the cotton sash cord would need to be replaced with sash chain because the type of weatherstripping he'd be using had to be nailed over the access panels to the weight pockets.  All of this could be done for a mere $200 per window.  I laughed.

Being a handy sort of girl from a family made up heavily of men who work in building trades, I can dismantle a window.  I can strip paint.  I can wield a putty knife with the best of them.  I can switch out sash cord for chain.  My extremely frugal nature bristles at the idea of paying someone to do something I can do myself.  And it's not like my life is so busy these days that I be willing to pay $800 not to have to take the time to do the job myself.  So I asked him how much just to do the weatherstripping.  He told me he'd call me with a quote.

This week I had a message from him, declining to do the job.  I'm really not surprised, but it would have been nice if he had "no-quoted" me on the spot.

And so I have been busily spending my weekends and evenings after work playing with paint stripper, chipping out petrified glazing compound while trying very hard not to break the glass.  There is sanding and priming and re-glazing (complete with the requisite amount of swearing that requires) and re-painting and playing with sash chain and keeping Ralphie, the now two-year old "kitten" out of the middle of all of it.  I will also be learning how to install "Spring Bronze Weatherstripping".  I suspect that will involve a steep learning curve and a certain amount of swearing. 

I'm having so much fun.  I'm a little kid again watching my Uncle Buddy in his painter's whites standing over a window sash at my parent's decrepit antique house, cigarette dangling from the corner of his mouth, putty knife flying, doing in five minutes what takes me half-an-hour (if I'm lucky), telling family stories, telling war stories...  I miss him.  Doing this job connects me to some of the things that aren't crazy about my family.  I like that.

If I Never Eat Another Frozen Entree, It Will Be Too Soon.

Seriously.  After eating 4 or so a week over the course of two and a half years, it was bound to happen.  Even the idea of trying to find new types or new "flavors" just skeeves me out.  In the end they became a parade of different colored combinations of mystery meat and goo. They're also expensive.  And like the rest of the country, these days I'm all about the budget.

I am not on a diet.  I'm not counting calories.  I am not actively trying to lose weight.  I do not know how much I weigh.  I am trying to be at peace with that. (Of course it doesn't hurt that Sugar-Addict Girl is currently chemically restrained...)

I am watching my portions.  I am avoiding high fructose corn syrup.  I am seeking out fresh, high quality, preferably organically grown ingredients for dishes that I cook in my kitchen.  I know what I am eating.  I am aware of all of the ingredients in my food, because I am choosing them.

I've definitely cut back on meat.  Don't get me wrong, I still really enjoy meat.  I'd just rather have a smaller portion of really good quality, humanely reared meat as part of a stir-fry, curry, or salad.

So, while I didn't keep off all of the weight I lost, I did gain something important: I am connected with my food.  Food is not the enemy.  I can take pleasure in food.  Cooking is part of living.  I am fully worthy of the time I spend preparing nutritious meals for myself.  In this attitude shift, I have achieved success.

Ummm... Hi

Bless me readers for I have sinned.  It's been eleventy-seven days since my last confession...

(Good of me to come back and instantly alienate my good Catholic readers, dontcha think?)

Ha!  That was a trick question.  What are the chances I still have any readers?

Okay, stupidity aside:  I'm still alive.  I am well.  I am not as heavy as I was back in September of 2004. I am not as thin as I was when I took my hiatus.

I can't say that I spent the time since last November in soul searching and positive self-visualization.  In reality, I spent the winter and spring in a fog of self-pity, work stress, sugar and sloth. 

The thing that really gave me a good shake was finally having to admit that the surgery I had last November has failed.  Not only have my torrential periods returned but owing to the ablation and the tubal ligation, I now have intense pain.  We're talking, "What comes after Vicoden?" pain.

Then followed multiple doctor appointments.  I'm now on a hormone to stop my body from building up any endometrial lining and I am scheduled for a Laparoscopic Supracervical Hysterectomy on 29-September.  My ovaries stay.  My cervix stays.  My lumpy uterus is history.  And I can't wait.

Somewhere in all of this whirlwind of poking and prodding, ultrasounds and feet in the stirrups for a veritable parade of practitioners, sugar binge followed by starch binge followed by crying...  I asked my PCP for an anti-depressant prescription.  And lo, Lexapro was mine.

It's sort of sad that that the only out I gave myself was an out of control health issue and the prospect of major surgery. It wasn't the endless sadness.  It wasn't the isolation.  It wasn't the behavior that I knew was doing damage to my body.  I was so sure that I knew how my depression symptoms manifested themselves that I poo-pooed all the minor league symptoms.  So it's not a depression until I feel suicidal?  Hmm, for somebody so smart, I can be really freakin' dumb.

And so I feel better.  Lexapro works fast compared to the old school SSRI's I've used previously.  The sugar and starch cravings are gone.  Even those times where I feel like I should want them, when I try to talk myself into wanting them; I talk myself out of it just as fast.  There is much less fighting with myself.  I feel good about that.

Anyhow, I'm posting. Yay for posting.  I'll try to keep posting.  No promises, though.  I do need to get reading.  According to Bloglines, I'm, like, 2800 posts behind in my reading.

I Have No Idea Where I'm Going

In the beginning, it was simple. Let's review:

I had gone from:

• slightly overweight but fairly healthy with the occasional foray into thinness by way of VLCD's (Very Low Calorie Diets)(late teens to mid-20's)
• to thin and healthy by way of healthy eating and regular, vigorous, exercise (mid-20's to early 30's)
• to obesity compliments of my first clinical depression cycle (early to mid-30's)
• to several years of yo-yo dieting and exercising trying to get rid to the depression weight whereby I became progressively heavier and less healthy (mid-30's to 40)
• Finally to the Diet to End All Diets that I began in September 2004 where I dieted and exercised very consistently and lost 50 (22.3kg) of the 70lbs (31.8kg) that I wanted to lose.  My "success" on that score peaked in September of 2005 and I have been on a round of yo-yo dieting and exercising ever since.

And so here I am.  Not back to square one, but certainly on that path.  I'm sick of Sugar Addict Girl screaming at me every time I feel bored or anxious.  I'm sick Judgmental Know-It-All Girl's endless critique of every single food choice I make.  I'm sick of my self-worth being so throughly linked to my behavior in terms of food and exercise.

Am I still depressed in spite of using the SAD light?  Am I self-medicating with sugar and that's why I can't get a grip?  Is that why it's so hard to motivate myself to do anything after work, you know, like, go to the gym?  Is this issue I'm facing the result of biology or behavior?  Do I just need to grow the fuck up and stop being a self indulgent baby who's creating all kinds of drama so she can continue down the no effort required path to self-destruction?  Have I learned nothing in these past three years?

So, that's how I feel.  What am I going to do about it?  I'm not sure.  I'm not sure I even care about "thin-ness", but I really do feel like I am hemorrhaging health these days. The post-op instructions say no  exercise until Friday.  That gives me five days to get my head around the fact that I need to will get back into a regular workout program.  As for food???  This weekend it became clear to me that I have lost all awareness of how much I'm eating, particularly at night and on the weekends.  I'm going to start journalling my food again.  Not counting calories, just working on being aware.

Can I tell you how much I hate having to admit that I've slid this far back?  I really, really hate it.

The Other Side

Percocet's not nearly as much fun as people from my druggie days made it out to be.  Perhaps the standard therapeutic dosage lacks the kick of the recreational required amount.  Damn, am I happy that I am now mature enough to have no interest in finding out.

Surgery is now complete.  Class two narcotics are no longer on the menu.  Today is my first day back at work.  I have a small incision under the belly roll and another in my belly button due to the laproscopic tubal ligation.  I'm concerned about one under the belly roll staying clean and dry.  The bruising from the laparoscopy is interesting.  It could be six months before the final outcome of the ablation is known.  From what I've been reading on the ablation discussion board, it's going to be interesting in a TMI science experiment sort of way.  I'll spare you those details 'cuz I'm considerate like that.

Hospital anesthesia is very different from dentist office anesthesia.  The only other time I'd been put *way* under was when I was eight and they took out my tonsils.  What I remember from then, it made me really sick to my stomach.  Friday I told everyone who came into the pre-op prep room that I wanted an anti-emetic either in with the anesthesia or just as I was coming out of it.  Well, either they didn't listen or they forgot because as soon as I was moved from recovery to the step down ward, I felt sick enough that I asked for a a basin.  I got down two bites of toast down and a cup of ginger ale before being spectacularly sick all over everything (myself, the gurney, the floor, my friend's shoes (sorry Lola!)).  Gee, they couldn't get that anti-emetic pumped into my IV fast enough at that point, but by then it was too late.  I was sick twice more before it kicked in.  Did they think I was kidding?

Post op instructions say no exercise for two weeks after the procedure.  My sleep has been crap for the past month so I'm really looking forward getting back into a real program.

And She's Back

It is budget season here the large corporation that pays my bills and so I've been very busy playing with spreadsheets and making up numbers which will indicate to management that they need to keep all of us working for another year.

Work busy-ness is good since it distracts from the fact that my surgery is the day after tomorrow.  I am on Day 9 of what I pray will be my last period of this magnitude.  My body seems to know that something is up and so it has thrown the kitchen sink at me this month.  Sure it sucks, but it also helps keep me focused on why the hell I would voluntarily submit my body to something like this.  My greatest fear is not the procedure and the recovery, it's that the procedure won't work.  I don't want to have a hysterectomy.  I really, really don't.

The Day After Halloween is the Scary One

There are piles of candy everywhere!  I have raging PMS.  Fortunately, my co-worker and I keep renewing our "No office candy bet" so I am safe for the moment.  There's still no such thing as a $50 piece of candy...

I really just want to get this period over with.  This will be my last one before the endometrial ablation that's scheduled for two weeks from tomorrow.  I have no illusions that I'm going to be one of the women who end up period free after the procedure.  I just want to get back to something approaching normal.

Cardio Was Committed

After being inspired by the utter tools that spawned a certain discussion over at BFD (I'll link to the BFD discussion rather than the hateful blog in question because I just could not handle inviting those people into my cyber-house...) I hauled my butt to the gym last night.  I can only hope I pissed off any like minded people at my gym by having the nerve to work my fat in public.

Oddly enough my neck, upper back and shoulder feel fine today; no pain, full range of motion.  I'll never understand how I can go from needing to munch 800mg of ibuprofen every 4-6 hours to needing none within the span of just a few hours.  I never get the same answer twice from the medical establishment either.  As much as I'd like to try some weights or a bit of work on the rowing machine, I think I'll wait another day to make sure to make sure this sticks.

Accountability...

Sucks.  One (supposed) benefit of having a blog is that it forces you to be accountable.  Sort of like going to a WW weigh-in when you know you've been off plan.  Frankly, I prefer my usual method of pretending that I didn't gorge on sugar eat poorly all weekend by simply leaving this space blank.

For some reason it started with Chinese food for lunch on Friday.  I don't get that at all.  It wasn't cheap, starchy crap either.  It was good quality food with what should have been a good mix of protein, fat and carbs.  I don't know what sent me to binge-land, but needless to say, things just got worse from there.

Part of the problem is that I'm having issues with my neck and upper-back again.  I spent Saturday on the couch, knocking back the ibuprofen and getting reacquainted with my ice pack.  Since I've just started getting back my motivation to get into regular workouts again, the pain (and the dreary day) served to make me the Queen of Self-pity.  Also it was boring as hell.  Boredom and self-pity.  Not at all helpful.

Thank [insert the deity of your choice] that every day/hour/minute is a new opportunity to turn it all around.  I have lentil soup and a fabulous salad for lunch today.  Healthy and delicious!